Discipline: Why?

Yesterday, Caedmon broke the latch on my brand new mother's day gifted picnic basket. He was trying to get the snacks inside,  in spite of the fact that I told him 4 times that it was not snack time and that he would have to wait. Refusing to be delayed, he ripped the entire latch completely off the front of the basket.

Immediately I scolded him and he hid his face. I was frustrated and really wanted to smack his hand to teach him a lesson.  But when he looked at me with tear-filled eyes, I (fortunately) had enough composure to sense that he did not need to be "taught a lesson". He knew his actions were wrong. Caed needed something much deeper from me.  I took his face in my hands and told him to tell me that he was sorry. He pulled away and said emphatically, "No!".  And that is how he got into time out.

I knew that he knew he was wrong. His tears displayed that fact. But he was feeling stubborn and refused to make it right.  So he sat, crying, in time out for 2 minutes.  As soon as I sat down next to Caed's chair, I asked him if he knew why he was sitting in time out. He nodded his head. I asked him if he broke my basket, and he confirmed.  I, then, stated that he would not tell Mommy "sorry". "Yes" was his simple reply. Then without me even asking, he said "sowwy" while rubbing his hand in a circle on his chest with his head low.

Something clicked in me.  I could hear my Father's voice in my heart saying "just as I forgive you, forgive others." Compassion raced through my body and I held out my hands to my son. A smile burst forth on his face. He literally dove out of the chair into my arms,  said, "I wuv you" and kissed me over and over.

Since that moment, I've been thinking about discipline with children and why we do it.  The Bible says

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
   and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
   and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."
Hebrews: 12:5-6

My goal as a parent is not to break the will of my children. It's not to prove that I'm boss or that I'm bigger and call the shots. I'm not set on "teaching them a lesson."  My goal is to foster within Abby and Caedmon a sense of self-discipline. This comes through setting expectations and boundaries and then following through consistently.

However, there's something more to discipline than just punishment for breaking mommy's expectations. Discipline should always include teachable moments. I don't want my kids to simply obey rules that I set before them. I want them to make decisions based on truth, not fear of punishment. I want them to understand the underlying reasons of my rules.  It is wrong to break someones picnic basket, because in our family we respect one another and anothers property.  Furthermore, it's wrong to walk away without apologizing, even if it was an accident, because in our family we treat others the way we want to be treated and that means making it right between us.


 Today, Caedmon learned a valuable lesson about forgiveness. Sure, he needed to know that trying to get a snack after I told him "no" was wrong. But what he needed enforced much more was how completely healing it is to say "sorry" and to receive forgiveness from the person that he wronged.

And I needed to learn, in a powerful moment of compassion, that "A gentle answer turns away anger."  (Proverbs 15:1).   I definitely do not have this mastered by any means. I can have quite a bad temper and have done my fair share of screaming at the kids. Just last week, I threw apple peels at the window...admittedly, not my best moment.   But yesterday, at least, I witnessed a taste of truth and healing in discipline that I hope Caed and I will  not soon forget.