Proof of Life: May 2012

Sunday, May 27, 2012

God is Able...But More Than That, HE IS GOOD!

A few weeks ago at church, I sank down into the chair, unable to sing the words to the songs. I loved the songs...I just felt like in that moment, they didn't apply to my life. I couldn't sing the words with any real depth in my soul. And since I sing my worship to God, the creator of me, and He already knew my heart, I figured why pretend? So I sat and prayed my real feelings.

The1st song: "God is Able".
My prayer: I KNOW you are able. But I don't know that you actually WILL.

The 2nd song: "Your Grace Is Enough"
My prayer: I know it SHOULD be enough, but I have these other needs, that you seem to be ignoring...

Honestly, I've been wrestling with those feelings for weeks. My question has never been "Can He provide?" But more, "WILL He provide?" A trust issue, I guess. A skeptical response, to be sure.

I even confessed to a friend at church that I AM praying...but not because He is answering my prayers, or even that I think He is going to answer them anymore...I'm only praying because He tells us in scripture to pray.

Have you ever prayed for circumstances and things only seem to get darker or harder? That's where I've been. It seemed as though the more I prayed, the worse things were getting. I even began to be astounded by comments like, "He is for us." "He never leaves us." "He is good."

But then I read something in a devotional book that I've been following:

"I am Light, in whom there is no darkness at all. The assurance that I am entirely Good meets your basic need for security. Your life is not subject to the whims of a sin-stained deity." Jesus Calling, May 5 There is no darkness in Him. God is not sin-stained and leading me along a path with skewed judgement. He is GOOD. He IS good.

The light-bulb clicked on for me. He is good, whether I choose to believe it or not. He does not change, and He is not wracked with sin...He is TRUTH. He is LIGHT. He is GOOD. And I am thankful.

And so an intricate truth began to take root in my heart. "God IS able. That doesn't mean that He necessarily WILL. But even if He doesn't, He is STILL GOOD. And I trust Him. He is my hope."

For other, more mature Christ-Followers, this may seem very elementary to you...and you may be rolling your eyes, saying, "of course, silly." But to this restless heart, it was a profound truth that I desperately needed to learn and now cling to everyday.

Actually, this truth became unhidden to me on the day I went to the OB to find out if Baby Caleb was still breach. Everyone had been telling me that he would turn, and that God was in control. Well, I knew that God was in control, but that didn't mean that Caleb would necessarily turn downward! I know plenty of people who believed God was in control of their lives but for whatever reason, God chose to leave a particular prayer(s) unanswered.

The drive to the doctor's office is a long one, so I had plenty of time to pray. I started out making my half-hearted request that Caleb would be head-down, and then for wisdom in the decisions that would follow if he was still breach. By the time I arrived at the office, I had settled in my heart that even if Caleb was breach, I would STILL praise God for His goodness.

I remembered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel as they faced being thrown into a fiery furnace, leading to certain death. Their response, born out of total trust in God: "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that will will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18.

He will deliver us...but even if he doesn't we will still serve him. His answer to our prayers does not change his character and his worthiness of praise. That's trust. I want to live that kind of trust.

And then I felt thankful...for the first time in weeks, truly thankful. Realizing that God owes me nothing, and that He is worthy of praise despite "unanswered prayers"...my heart can rest, because I trust that HE IS GOOD.

His grace IS enough.

I'm thankful for this time of desert praying. It has taught me, ingrained in me, truths about God that I wouldn't have known otherwise. For the first time in my journey as a Christ-Follower, I feel like I'm understanding what is truly important in my relationship with Him. It's not about what He can give me, or even about Him answering all my deepest prayers. It is about trusting Him with my life, surrendering control to Him daily regardless of the outcome. This is the deepest form of trust, to be able to confess that even if He took everything I hold dear, I would still follow Him because HE is where my hope rests.

"But as for me, I will look to the LORD. I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Happy 3rd Birthday Caedmon!

Caedmon, Caedmon, Caedmon! You are 3 now! I honestly can't believe it! It was only last year that you could barely talk, and now you can give me a reasonable explanation as to why you simply had climb on top of the table to reach the ceiling fan and attach Spiderman to the string before jumping down.

Well, life has certainly been nothing shy of an adventure since you came into our family, and I'm so very thankful for you. Your life has added depth and richness to my own life and to our family. So in honor of your 3rd birthday, here is a Birthday Blog dedicated to you and 3 ways in which your personality has developed this past year!

1. You are a hero! No adventure is too big for you! Not only do you pretend to be every hero from Batman to Fireman Sam, but you also genuinely care for others. Each day, you dress up in a hero costume and create situations in which you can come to the rescue. Some days there are "fires" in the kitchen and you grab my hand to lead me to safety. Other days, the "bad guys" are in the city and you give me, Daddy, Abby (and sometimes even Sophie) super-hero names so that we can join you in the battle against evil! Always, always, you save the day! But in "real life", too, you don't like for people to cry. You are quick to hug and quick to forgive. One day at Kids Cove, I watched as you attempted to scare off a 7 or 8 year old boy that was growling at all the kids. Abby had tried to climb to the top of the tree, and the boy growled at her making her cry. After hearing Abby's story, you said, "I'll go check!" and ran away in effort to locate the growler. Then you came back and reported that you told him "No!" I love your spirit of courage. I pray that it grows and becomes deeply rooted in wisdom! :)

2. You are a lover! Oh my word, I have never known a little boy to be so loving and affectionate. From the day you were born, you have enjoyed snuggling close. You still like to hold my hand and you hug and kiss me all the time. One of my favorite things during the day is helping you settle down for nap time because after all your chatter ends, you snuggle in close and either hold my hand, or stroke my face until you fall asleep. More often than not your final words before drifting off to sleep are "I loves you, Mommy." I loves you too, sweetheart! Very much! And my absolute favorite is when I cook your favorite food. Once while I was standing at the stove, you leaned over and hugged me and said, "I loves you SO much when you cooking." :) And some days if I cook a food you particularly love, you can hardly sit still long enough to eat it because you are touching my arm and thanking me and kissing me for cooking your meal! I certainly will know what to tell your future wife some day!

3. You are comedian! If there is one thing I've learned from you Caedmon Alexzander it would be to laugh. You are able to find the humor in almost any situation and your laughter is contagious! One of my favorite things to hear you say is "It's my JOKE!" You are able to find the joy in life and invite others to join in. Every day is a new day of joy to you. I love your light-hearted spirit, it brings life to our family!

Happy Birthday, Son! Always remember that Mommy and Daddy love you and are so very proud of you! You are a most excellent little brother to Abby and I look forward to seeing you grow as a big brother to Caleb!