The1st song: "God is Able".
My prayer: I KNOW you are able. But I don't know that you actually WILL.
The 2nd song: "Your Grace Is Enough"
My prayer: I know it SHOULD be enough, but I have these other needs, that you seem to be ignoring...
Honestly, I've been wrestling with those feelings for weeks. My question has never been "Can He provide?" But more, "WILL He provide?" A trust issue, I guess. A skeptical response, to be sure.
I even confessed to a friend at church that I AM praying...but not because He is answering my prayers, or even that I think He is going to answer them anymore...I'm only praying because He tells us in scripture to pray.
Have you ever prayed for circumstances and things only seem to get darker or harder? That's where I've been. It seemed as though the more I prayed, the worse things were getting. I even began to be astounded by comments like, "He is for us." "He never leaves us." "He is good."
But then I read something in a devotional book that I've been following:
"I am Light, in whom there is no darkness at all. The assurance that I am entirely Good meets your basic need for security. Your life is not subject to the whims of a sin-stained deity." Jesus Calling, May 5 There is no darkness in Him. God is not sin-stained and leading me along a path with skewed judgement. He is GOOD. He IS good.
The light-bulb clicked on for me. He is good, whether I choose to believe it or not. He does not change, and He is not wracked with sin...He is TRUTH. He is LIGHT. He is GOOD. And I am thankful.
And so an intricate truth began to take root in my heart. "God IS able. That doesn't mean that He necessarily WILL. But even if He doesn't, He is STILL GOOD. And I trust Him. He is my hope."
For other, more mature Christ-Followers, this may seem very elementary to you...and you may be rolling your eyes, saying, "of course, silly." But to this restless heart, it was a profound truth that I desperately needed to learn and now cling to everyday.
Actually, this truth became unhidden to me on the day I went to the OB to find out if Baby Caleb was still breach. Everyone had been telling me that he would turn, and that God was in control. Well, I knew that God was in control, but that didn't mean that Caleb would necessarily turn downward! I know plenty of people who believed God was in control of their lives but for whatever reason, God chose to leave a particular prayer(s) unanswered.
The drive to the doctor's office is a long one, so I had plenty of time to pray. I started out making my half-hearted request that Caleb would be head-down, and then for wisdom in the decisions that would follow if he was still breach. By the time I arrived at the office, I had settled in my heart that even if Caleb was breach, I would STILL praise God for His goodness.
I remembered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel as they faced being thrown into a fiery furnace, leading to certain death. Their response, born out of total trust in God: "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that will will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18.
He will deliver us...but even if he doesn't we will still serve him. His answer to our prayers does not change his character and his worthiness of praise. That's trust. I want to live that kind of trust.
And then I felt thankful...for the first time in weeks, truly thankful. Realizing that God owes me nothing, and that He is worthy of praise despite "unanswered prayers"...my heart can rest, because I trust that HE IS GOOD.
His grace IS enough.
I'm thankful for this time of desert praying. It has taught me, ingrained in me, truths about God that I wouldn't have known otherwise. For the first time in my journey as a Christ-Follower, I feel like I'm understanding what is truly important in my relationship with Him. It's not about what He can give me, or even about Him answering all my deepest prayers. It is about trusting Him with my life, surrendering control to Him daily regardless of the outcome. This is the deepest form of trust, to be able to confess that even if He took everything I hold dear, I would still follow Him because HE is where my hope rests.
"But as for me, I will look to the LORD. I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7
This was a very profound and beautiful post to read, Debbie. I don't think this truth is elementary at all. It is extremely difficult to grasp and it takes a very mature person to choose faith over doubt. You are doing that. I am continuing to pray for you! Love you!
ReplyDelete